"...And Jill Came Tumbling After" (Lessons from Falling)

Yesterday was the first day this week that I went to work. I was in the mood to dress up, so instead of just wearing jeans and a Messiah shirt, I decided to wear a blouse with a pair of skinny jeans. I also replaced the usual pearl studs with dirty-gold dangling earrings, and ditched my flats and put on a pair of peep-toe shoes instead. I was very much aware of the fact that I was going to be doing a lot of walking and moving around throughout the day, but for the sake of fashion, yes, I wore heels.

F-series: Ghost of Friends Past

They like me as they remember me, not as I am now.
--Lindsey Lee Wells, from An Abundance of Katherines by JOHN GREEN

My best friend had told me a number of times that it's hard to rekindle past friendships.
"Why should you even bother when it's past?" she had asked me.
"I bother because...well, I miss the people I used to know."
Then she went like, "But did it ever occur to you that they might not feel the same way?"
And for that I'd scoffed at her. "You just don't get it."

Love Ain't All That Matters [A Pre-Hearts Day Post]

There comes a certain point in a person's life when he realizes that there are more important things in life than love--romance, to be exact. (Like when you're 21 and had just denounced your old-time, all-time stupid crush. Harr.)

Fruitless Toil and a Meaningless Life: Iz Aal Well?

[January 2, 2012 journal entry after reading Ecclesiastes 1:3]

Solomon begins the book of Ecclesiastes with this statement: "Everything is meaningless."

Wouldn't you agree? I mean, what do we get from working our butts off throughout our lifetime? What do we gain? What do we achieve? We work hard and get rich and live lavishly while working feverishly to maintain our lifestyle--but where does the cycle end? Are we going to be really, truly satisfied? At what point (is there even one?) could we stop working and start enjoying our life?

Two-Oh-11: A Year-Ender

"The end depends upon the beginning. The END. DEPENDS UPON. The Beginning."
--The Emperor's Club

I began this year with the hope of turning over a new leaf. I was looking forward to a new chapter in my life. I was hoping to launch myself into the world, confident and courageous.

I overcame fears. I crossed boundaries that I have set for myself and discovered that I could do much if I set my heart on it. I failed some and exceeded some expectations others had of me, and whether that's a good thing or a bad thing depends on the kind of expectations those were.

I struggled about a lot of things. I had my heart broken a million times more than I could ever remember in the last 20 years of my life, by more people than I can count with my two hands. I grew older, and for the most part, wiser and keener for the little things and the big things that affect me in big and small ways, perhaps respectively.

In sum, 2011 has been a wacky rollercoaster ride, but one that I don't want to get in line for again. I do believe I will get off and walk away with my head spinning.

It's a Blogger's Life

Sometimes I hate being a writer. My thoughts keep me up at night, and it doesn't let me sleep until I release them into written words on paper. Sometimes, that's not even enough, too, so I have to pull out my laptop and type like mad--maybe that's adrenaline rush for writers--and I am left exhausted, as if I'd just run a race. Then again, that's what I love about writing--just when you need it, inspiration comes, and then you've got yourself one heckuva story/article that you couldn't have created if not for the late-night hyperactivity of your brain. (Well, of course, it becomes a masterpiece after you've edited it with a clear head, and not while you're trying to keep yourself awake. :P) Now, if I could only get readers, then I'll come full circle... 


Wait. I do have readers. YEY! :))

No Man is an "I"-land

Empowerment. Ah, what wonders has it done to the female race?

Memory

Just something I wrote down a coupla days ago. I was...deep in thought, so much so that I couldn't sleep.
Been like that for a few days now. Maybe even weeks.
*sigh*
Anyway...

Keeping memories of painful things--and of the people who caused them--does not necessarily mean being unforgiving or not being able  to move on. Because, maybe, in remembering, you'll come to appreciate how those painful things affected your life and how the people who caused them meant to you once...before anything and everything hurtful took place.

Do I have a point? I'm not sure. Do I have to have one?

Gap

You're there. I'm here.

It's plain to see

That you can't get anywhere

Near me

I sigh. You laugh.

And you even clap

Your hands together,

Like we can never be

It looks as though

It'll eat us alive.

I cringe at the sight

Of the black hole

That's coming between

Us and what should have been

It's waiting for us

To jump in.

My hands are tied

My lips are dry

You wave at me

Like nothing's wrong

I squint so I

Can see your face

You're getting smaller

Until you're a dot

I look down and stare

At the gap that's there

And I'm scared and disgusted

It's hell.

I blink back tears

Your voice rings

In my head

Like you're just here

"I'm with you,

dear one.

You need not fret.

I'll see you through."

You open up your arms

You're in front of me now!

Then you free-fall

Into the gap

I scream and my heart

Leaps out of my chest

And wide-eyed

I look at you falling

You disappear

Into the dark

But your light

Pierces through

The next thing I knew

You were holding me

And we were walking

Across the hole

The darkness roared

I was afraid

That it would come up

And drag me down

But you, so patiently

Walked me across

The gap

That was once in my way

You gave yourself

Because you loved

Confused and scared

I was.

I fall on my knees

Like a helpless beggar

On the streets

Crying in shame

"Why did you

do such a thing?"

I bawled.

You laugh at me again.

"You know the answer,

sweet child, precious one,

I don't need

To tell you anymore

That I love you,

And no one can change it--

With a love that

no one can give,

I saved you so that

I can be with you.

Don't fret, I'm here

to stay."

"I don't deserve this

Favor so great,

my heart bleeds

but rejoices!"

"Hush, my love,

What's done is past

I don't want to go

And dig it up now.

All I care about is now,

You, here,

I will let you start

again.

But promise me

This one thing--

All I ask is

You love me, too."

"How could I not?

To love you

Is something

I cannot help but do.

I did nothing to deserve

What you did for me

I'll do anything

To pay you back.

I give myself to you,

like you did for me,

I will love you

All of my life."

We walk together

As it should be

To a place you prepared

for us.

My heart breaks

But it is because

Joy has filled it,

Not sadness.

You wipe my tears

Draw me close

You laugh at me

Again.

"Crying is not allowed

In such a place

C'mon,

Let's look around.

Here you can go

Wherever you want

With me

For all time.

I'll walk with you

Dance with you

Listen to your

Sweet singing.

I'll hold your hand

No one will dare

To hurt you--

You are mine."

'Twas then I thought

I know it now

I left everything

In the dark

I can never go back

Not with you here

Now

There is no gap.

On Idols

I really don't understand why some people want to meddle with the affairs of others.

Well.

Sometimes, I find myself staring into oblivion, brain dead. There's always something up where I am, and my brain overloads just trying to sort things out and make up either a solution or a clever comeback, and write about it. So I always end up writing by taking little bits and pieces of what's up here and there and…ok, reacting to it. In a way that I probably would not in real life.

And know what? I am actually quite tired already. I mean, tired of letting myself be a victim of unpleasant circumstances (or feeling like it)...and of the deeds of people who seem unpleasant to me. And tired of trying to fix things when I know I really can't take matters into my own hands. And tired of being frustrated about people not changing because I don't really have a say in that, and the only person I can change is myself.

Thinking of my life as a room, I imagine it to be a real messy one. The kind where you dig into piles of real dirty clothes. The kind where you can't recognize anything because of the dirt pile-up everywhere. The kind that would be a housekeeper's nightmare. And I could only punch myself for letting all that mess build up. Call me irresponsible.

I took on the literal meaning of brainwash—that is, washing your brain. I mean, the world is so polluted with people whose minds are so malicious that they think the rest of the world shares their opinions, so they’re pretty loud about it. And they’re so convinced that they’re always right. And they feel they have the right to think whatever they want, however they want to about other people. It’s not fair, let alone right. This is where the LENS principle comes in—“Who you are determines how you see others.” In the spirit of fairness, shouldn’t we give others the benefit of the doubt and trust their word? And should circumstances lead us to believe otherwise, we don’t just draw up our own conclusions. We ask the person, without any hint of judgment, and confirm the truth. Supposedly.

But in reality, we always want to have the last say about other people. We always want to think we’re right.

Well, actually, I really don’t. I mean, I don’t make judgments about other people and claim that I’m right until I have compelling, substantial evidence to believe and say so. But I don’t want to be seen as biased or self-righteous. I use “we” because it keeps my mind in perspective as I write. Because I also do have opinions about other people. And I do know certain things about people that they may not be aware that I know (because I’m a psych major. Harhar.). Nevertheless, I think we all need to brainwash ourselves. I don’t need to say how. Christians who are intentional are supposed to know that. Unless, of course, their brains are so clogged up with worldliness that they no longer know what they’re supposed to be doing.

Pathetic. Truth isn’t supposed to be so ugly.

I think I have this "moat" thing going on. It could represent two things.

For one, it could be filled with...who knows what? I'm not sure. Perhaps all the things I want to put out of my life—negative thoughts toward other people, negative thoughts about myself, negative feelings, hurts, pains, memories, etc. Yuck. I know.

On the other hand, it could also represent my friends. More favorable. Haha. Because aren’t moats supposed to be a line of defense? I always like to think I’m strong or assertive, but I know I’m the kind of person who would never do well in debates. I think of a comeback long after an intense confrontation has taken place. I choke up because my emotions always get the best of me. It takes a long time for me to think about how to defend myself. I ain’t witty. And what do I need to defend myself from? Fake people? Friends who backbite? Two-faced friends? I don’t think I need to expound on that.

There’s also this “mote” thing going on. It’s not by me, I’d like to think. It just seems noticeable that people have taken on the habit of checking out other people’s faces for spots. It’s irritating. I mean, who likes people going around going like, “Hey, look! You have something in your face,” when in truth, they’re the ones having “something” in their faces? C’mon. We can do better than that. We’re supposed to be better than that. We don’t sit around ranting about how such-and-such is terrible at taking initiative and so-and-so is horrible at dressing up. We don’t go around waving our pointing finger furiously in somebody’s face and screaming, “This is all YOUR fault!” or “Look what YOU did! I’D never be THAT stupid!” or “I KNOW that YOU’RE doing something wrong! YOU should get punished for it!” and a lot of other accusing stuff. It’s just plain wrong. Some people always look for someone outside of themselves to blame or just point a finger at so they get unwanted attention off themselves. It’s just funny how the same kind of people hoard credit for themselves when something turns out pretty amazing. Obviously, they’re in it if the feedback is favorable, when all the while, they really didn’t do much.

Ugh. It’s sickening.

Again, I’m not trying to lift myself up. Heck, no. That’s not what I’m out to do. That’s not me. I’m writing this mainly because, like I said, my brain is close to overloading, and I need my thoughts in writing. I’m publishing this because I know sooner or later, those who’ve read this will come to a point in their life when they’ll get what I’m talking about, and will be glad to know there’s someone who understands, been there, done that.

Someone who checks herself in the mirror to see if there’s muta in her eyes so she’d have the right and the credibility of wiping her friends’ mutas off theirs.

Haay.