Well.

Sometimes, I find myself staring into oblivion, brain dead. There's always something up where I am, and my brain overloads just trying to sort things out and make up either a solution or a clever comeback, and write about it. So I always end up writing by taking little bits and pieces of what's up here and there and…ok, reacting to it. In a way that I probably would not in real life.

And know what? I am actually quite tired already. I mean, tired of letting myself be a victim of unpleasant circumstances (or feeling like it)...and of the deeds of people who seem unpleasant to me. And tired of trying to fix things when I know I really can't take matters into my own hands. And tired of being frustrated about people not changing because I don't really have a say in that, and the only person I can change is myself.

Thinking of my life as a room, I imagine it to be a real messy one. The kind where you dig into piles of real dirty clothes. The kind where you can't recognize anything because of the dirt pile-up everywhere. The kind that would be a housekeeper's nightmare. And I could only punch myself for letting all that mess build up. Call me irresponsible.

I took on the literal meaning of brainwash—that is, washing your brain. I mean, the world is so polluted with people whose minds are so malicious that they think the rest of the world shares their opinions, so they’re pretty loud about it. And they’re so convinced that they’re always right. And they feel they have the right to think whatever they want, however they want to about other people. It’s not fair, let alone right. This is where the LENS principle comes in—“Who you are determines how you see others.” In the spirit of fairness, shouldn’t we give others the benefit of the doubt and trust their word? And should circumstances lead us to believe otherwise, we don’t just draw up our own conclusions. We ask the person, without any hint of judgment, and confirm the truth. Supposedly.

But in reality, we always want to have the last say about other people. We always want to think we’re right.

Well, actually, I really don’t. I mean, I don’t make judgments about other people and claim that I’m right until I have compelling, substantial evidence to believe and say so. But I don’t want to be seen as biased or self-righteous. I use “we” because it keeps my mind in perspective as I write. Because I also do have opinions about other people. And I do know certain things about people that they may not be aware that I know (because I’m a psych major. Harhar.). Nevertheless, I think we all need to brainwash ourselves. I don’t need to say how. Christians who are intentional are supposed to know that. Unless, of course, their brains are so clogged up with worldliness that they no longer know what they’re supposed to be doing.

Pathetic. Truth isn’t supposed to be so ugly.

I think I have this "moat" thing going on. It could represent two things.

For one, it could be filled with...who knows what? I'm not sure. Perhaps all the things I want to put out of my life—negative thoughts toward other people, negative thoughts about myself, negative feelings, hurts, pains, memories, etc. Yuck. I know.

On the other hand, it could also represent my friends. More favorable. Haha. Because aren’t moats supposed to be a line of defense? I always like to think I’m strong or assertive, but I know I’m the kind of person who would never do well in debates. I think of a comeback long after an intense confrontation has taken place. I choke up because my emotions always get the best of me. It takes a long time for me to think about how to defend myself. I ain’t witty. And what do I need to defend myself from? Fake people? Friends who backbite? Two-faced friends? I don’t think I need to expound on that.

There’s also this “mote” thing going on. It’s not by me, I’d like to think. It just seems noticeable that people have taken on the habit of checking out other people’s faces for spots. It’s irritating. I mean, who likes people going around going like, “Hey, look! You have something in your face,” when in truth, they’re the ones having “something” in their faces? C’mon. We can do better than that. We’re supposed to be better than that. We don’t sit around ranting about how such-and-such is terrible at taking initiative and so-and-so is horrible at dressing up. We don’t go around waving our pointing finger furiously in somebody’s face and screaming, “This is all YOUR fault!” or “Look what YOU did! I’D never be THAT stupid!” or “I KNOW that YOU’RE doing something wrong! YOU should get punished for it!” and a lot of other accusing stuff. It’s just plain wrong. Some people always look for someone outside of themselves to blame or just point a finger at so they get unwanted attention off themselves. It’s just funny how the same kind of people hoard credit for themselves when something turns out pretty amazing. Obviously, they’re in it if the feedback is favorable, when all the while, they really didn’t do much.

Ugh. It’s sickening.

Again, I’m not trying to lift myself up. Heck, no. That’s not what I’m out to do. That’s not me. I’m writing this mainly because, like I said, my brain is close to overloading, and I need my thoughts in writing. I’m publishing this because I know sooner or later, those who’ve read this will come to a point in their life when they’ll get what I’m talking about, and will be glad to know there’s someone who understands, been there, done that.

Someone who checks herself in the mirror to see if there’s muta in her eyes so she’d have the right and the credibility of wiping her friends’ mutas off theirs.

Haay.