8 Questions: Tagged by Alyssa

Not sure how this works. Am I supposed to come up with my own questions to ask too? :)

Anyway, here are my answers to Alyssa's questions.

1. Who are your heroes? (Dead or alive.)

My mom, CILB, and my journal. They all keep me in check with my thoughts and emotions, and at the same time let me dwell on them when they know I have to.





2. What do you collect? Why?
PENS!!! I'd been obsessed with cute gel pens FOREVER. ;) Not sure why, though. Maybe it's because I like writing and I like writing in color. You should see how I take notes in class! Of course, because I am addicted to writing material, with pens I also collect notebooks and journals. (Oh, I'm imagining Alyssa's reaction to this. Hahaha!)
3. What is one book (aside from the Bible) you could read over and over again and never tire of?
Seriously, they're too many, and I can't really choose! ;)
But methinks this is one worth mentioning. This was the first novel by Nicholas Sparks that I've read. :)

4. If you could trade places with a book character, who would it be and why?

Lauren Kline from If Only It Were True (Just Like Heaven). I think I wanna try being a "ghost," too. :)

5. What have you always wanted to do but have never gotten a chance to do yet?
Write a book!

6. What is the most important advice you were ever given?
Don't aim to be better than somebody else. Don't compare yourself to others. Just be the best YOU that you can be.

7. What's the best gift you've ever received?
LOVE! Of God, of family, of friends.

8. What is do you want to do to make a difference in this world?
(Ano daw, Alyssa? Haha.) The best way to make a difference is to be the difference. I'd train myself to be disciplined, and influence others to do so, too. Ditch mediocrity! Haha.

On Idols

I really don't understand why some people want to meddle with the affairs of others.

On Narciso Matienzo

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labour, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school where children played,
Their lessons scarcely done;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries; but each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.
--Emily Dickinson

The impact of the news just dawned on me. Is it really true?

Now I try to remember the day I first walked into his Filipino class three-and-a-half academic years ago, but fail. Instead, some fond memories of him come in little bits and pieces...

The first time I texted him I was going to be late. When I got to class that day, he scolded everybody (but I knew it was really for me) saying, "Kung masama ang pakiramdam niyo, wag niyong intindihin, dahil pakiramdam niyo lang 'yun!" Of course, he had the right to say that, because he never let anything stop him from holding a class--especially not sickness. He didn't miss more than 5 sessions in the three semesters that I had him as my professor, if I remember right. He rarely canceled, unless he was compelled to (i.e. His wife set him up for a doctor's appointment, and he loved her too much not to show up, even if he didn't want to go).

When I learned that he just commuted to and from school, I was shocked. Well, yeah, maybe he was too old to drive himself around, but I was thinking he could have afforded a car and a driver. Or it would have been much more comfortable to ride the FX. But no, he took the bus everyday! His arguments? 1) Bus fare is cheaper, and 2) he lives near the station, anyway. So on nights when Jojo and I are really desperate to go home, we board the Cainta bus and sometimes get to ride with him. (The one time we did was when he was with his wife--that's where we met her--and yes, they were going home from the doctor's clinic.)

I always get to spend the longest times with him at the start and end of the semester. Everybody knows how much he wanted to talk with people, especially students. He always was full of stories. I enjoyed these times because I felt that he was sincerely enjoying my company also, but sometimes when you have a conversation with him, you lose track of the time. Even if I wasn't really interested in what he'd be saying at first, because I wanted to get done with clearance as soon as I could, something in the way he talked and laughed and the way his face lit up made me stay longer than I planned to. And every time I asked him to sign my clearance form, he'd signed it right away, but he held onto it until he was done talking with me. Funny. It was like he was always putting me in a trap. One time he must have sensed it, because he said to me, "Bakit ba kayo palaging nagmamadali? Ako nga, o, tignan mo, ang haba-haba ng pirma ko at hindi ako nagmamadali, para maganda ang sulat at gumanda yang mga report card niyo, dahil ang papangit ng grado niyo!" And we'd laughed so hard he ended up with a coughing fit, but was still laughing anyway.

I'm trying to reminisce in an orderly way, but I guess when you're remembering someone like him who's had such a big impact in your life, things will always come at random...and it's hard to put thoughts into words.

I wouldn't have traded Kwentology (a.k.a. Filipino 1, 2, and 3) for any subject in the world. Those were History, Biblical Studies, Philosophy, and Life classes rolled into one. It was obvious, his passion for teaching. He always ended each class with something we could think about, something about life or God that we should consider.

He beamed whenever he talked about his family. You could see the pride in his eyes whenever he called out the best students in class; likewise, you could sense disappointment in his voice when he announced that almost the whole class failed. But he was always encouraging and patient. He wasn't only a professor. He was a friend, even a lolo. After lunch, he'd be napping in one of the lobby couches, and he was never grumpy even if students were fooling around and making a lot of noise. Later last semester, he even resorted to sleeping in the library; he understood that kids needed their fun, just as he needed rest.

When I heard about his accident, I'd have to admit that I found it kind of funny. It was so like him to cross the street where there was a huge sign that says it's dangerous, knowing all those stories of his boyhood; he admitted to being sutil, after all. (I'll never forget his misadventure with his father's itak!) Not taking the implications seriously, I always believed that he'd get well soon enough. Of course, we constantly prayed for him, but I always thought he'd get through it.

Well, now, I guess he did...just not in the way I expected him to.

I always told the Freshmen that their Messiah experience couldn't be complete without Doc. I feel extra, extra privileged to have shared a tiny part of his life while he was still with us. Now, he is with the Father, in Heaven, basking in His glory. No more blood transfusions, head trauma, diabetes, slippery roads, rain, or illegal pedestrian crossings to keep him from doing what he's supposed to.

LORD, thank you for the life of Doc Matienzo. We miss him, but the love and companionship we can offer is no match to what You are giving him now. I won't ask for another one like him, but I pray for those lives whom he has touched--may his legacy continue through us.

For a professor and friend. Hanggang sa muli po, Doc!

On Life: Somebody to Listen

I used to snicker at the idea of people being willing to pay a total stranger just so he/she can have somebody to talk to. Literally, bumibili sila ng kausap. I mean, who would do that? Someone really desperate and lonely, I guess. I just couldn't believe there were actually people like that.

However, when I was thinking about what course to take up in college, I realized that I want to be just that. No, not the person who's looking for someone to talk to; I have friends naman. But other people don't. And I started to feel that I want to be that somebody who'll be willing to listen. And who will listen.

That's why I took up Psychology.

Sometimes, I feel that people aren't so...responsive when I say I'm a Psych major. They're not that thrilled as they would probably be when I would have said I'm taking up Advertising or Journalism. Neither do they consider it practical as opposed to Nursing, nor as prestigious as Medicine, Engineering, or Architecture. After all, all psychologists ever do is listen to their clients rant about their life's misery and woe, right? It's like there's a stigma that says "Everybody can 'do' psychology. Why study it?"

I think most people got that wrong.

For one, not anybody can really "do" psychology. There's more to it than common sense. (Besides, what used to be common is not so anymore, actually.) I don't believe guidance counselors and HR personnel are just anybody. I like to believe that they started with the desire to help change society and the world, and they chose this field because they believe that people are worth investing in.

Now here I am in my senior year, trying to absorb as much as I can from my professors' experiences, their lectures, my textbooks, and personal research; and finding myself thinking about how I'm gonna actually put all this to use when I graduate. But then, I realized I don't have to wait for graduation or my first job to apply all these things, seeing how handy all this information could be for my ministry at church, especially with the youth.

I guess what I'm really just trying to say is that I am amazed at how God has worked in my life, allowing me to attend Messiah College, study Psychology, and experience how it is to be discipled, so that I'd be prepared to serve as a youth leader. Lately, I've felt God making my heart heavy towards helping today's youth, especially in our church, and opening my eyes to look for ways to address their needs and help them to grow and become mature, to "come out of the box," to find their niche, and to reach their full potential--in other words, be the kind of young men and women God meant for them, and all of us, to be. I count myself blessed for being granted this calling and opportunity for service.

As H. Norman Wright said, "...a counselor...is called to be a caregiver in the lives of those who come to [him] for help." Most of the time, we overlook the importance and value of helping others. But really, even the simplest gesture, like smiling to someone who passes you by or walking with an elderly crossing the street, can mean so much to others. It is my personal conviction to make the world a better place, in whatever way I can. And I believe being a psychologist would make me equipped to do that.

Even if I am not a licensed counselor yet (and God-willing I will be in the near future), I believe that God will use me to help change the world...

...even simply through being somebody to listen.

From the Diary of a "Perfect Girl" (also known as the Drama Queen)

Nothing is totally 'up to me.'

Otherwise, I could have always done and gotten whatever I had wanted. And I could always do and get whatever I want. And everything I want to do or get or be or go to or happen will always will.

However, REALITY CHECK: Something can ALWAYS come up--UNEXPECTEDLY, mind you--and ruin your show.

Yes, even rip apart your legendary set...undo your death-defying hairdo...waste all your energy rehearsing, all your money splurging, all your sweat, tears and blood that was shed for the sake of the actualization of the performance of your life. (which is now, apparently, not.)

Yes, that is reality. Tragic... and true--oh, so very much, indeed!

I can say so, because it happens to me.

Yes.
TO ME.

And why does this matter so much, you wonder?

Well, I never!

Of course, because perfect people don't get stuck in a rut, that's why!
And perfect people are not, cannot be, bogged down...by ANYTHING, in ANY way.

But, actually, perfect people are the first ones who fall, shrivel up, and become miserable.

Hmm...

There is, however, a choice I can make. I can either sulk about it, or hope for a 'better luck next time' (in which case I hope I will not be required to break both my legs).

Perfect people know what's supposed to be. And I know what the RIGHT choice is.

Yet, here I am, disregarding that knowledge, and still wallowing in the deep, dark misery of my so-called misfortune.

I am a drama queen, after all. I live exaggeratedly.

Nonetheless, the lesson to be learned: Others are not to be blamed for plans that do not push through. Actually, no one, nothing, is to be taken at fault.

Not fate. (Simply not.)

Not the security guard outside who's going bald from excessive head-scratching and hair-pulling because of stress. (Mob control is a hard assignment, I guess.)

Not that strictly unimaginative and artistically unappreciative producer who, in spite of his non-existent creativity, still keeps producing shows like mine, and watches each one. (Beats the hell out of me.)

Not the limply-hanging, discolored curtains, reeking with the smell of mothballs. (Seriously.)

Not the violinist who keeps playing out of tune. (Are there no understudies for members of the orchestra?!)

And especially, most definitely, NOT those very special people who promise to come and see you perform but don't, and think that they have the right to tell you, "Please don't get upset. I couldn't help it," and actually GET MAD AT YOU when you feel sad about their non-appearance.

So maybe a nose got cut off, or eardrums suddenly burst, or there's a flu to nurse or a driver's license examination to study for (?!), or whatever. I can understand when a reason is valid. I do! But that doesn't mean I HAVE NO RIGHT to feel rotten inside. I can't help that, too. Because they DON'T know that I put up with the whole freakin' shindig for 'em, and that every act, every tear, fit of laughter, and body movement was inspired, is intensified by them. I put it on, put everything on, for THEM!

...

And just like every other, today's show was for someone...

I've proved that "NO SHOW" can mean various things. Ask me. Har!

...

Heck, I tell everybody else to think positive. Why can't I heed my own advice?

...

Bye, Summer. Hello, Tomorrow

In a matter of days, my summer vacation will be officially over.

I could confidently say it was a much productive summer vacation compared to the two others I've had since I went into college, although this year, my cousins and I weren't able to go swimming. AT ALL. Ha ha! And add to that, I wasn't able to join the Cross-cultural Trip to Cambodia and Vietnam. Yes, I missed out on a lot of great stuff, like PASSION MANILA (hmph!), BUT! I believe that GOD had other things in mind for me, and the "great stuff" weren't part of the itinerary He had mapped out. Instead, He let me be heavy with burden for the music ministry at church and let the Worship Workshop happen. With that, there was revival for our youth. There had been discoveries of new passions, acquisition of new skills, a new anointing so great and amazing, and overall, an awesome worship experience. In other words, God let His fire fall down on us, and He let me see His face. It was like He was saying, "I could have done this a long time ago, if you had asked Me to. I'm so glad you finally did. Thank you for answering My call. Welcome back, kid. I love you." God is wonderful.

So now, here I am, after almost three months of vacation, ready to face the future--and the start of my 4th and final year in college--armed with renewed hope, a revived heart, an unburdened spirit, more love, a burning passion. It won't be easy. And I won't always feel like this. I'll drift away. I'll get tired. People won't get me. But He always will. He won't let me fall. He holds all my tomorrows. And the best part? He's also holding my hand.

Well.

Sometimes, I find myself staring into oblivion, brain dead. There's always something up where I am, and my brain overloads just trying to sort things out and make up either a solution or a clever comeback, and write about it. So I always end up writing by taking little bits and pieces of what's up here and there and…ok, reacting to it. In a way that I probably would not in real life.

And know what? I am actually quite tired already. I mean, tired of letting myself be a victim of unpleasant circumstances (or feeling like it)...and of the deeds of people who seem unpleasant to me. And tired of trying to fix things when I know I really can't take matters into my own hands. And tired of being frustrated about people not changing because I don't really have a say in that, and the only person I can change is myself.

Thinking of my life as a room, I imagine it to be a real messy one. The kind where you dig into piles of real dirty clothes. The kind where you can't recognize anything because of the dirt pile-up everywhere. The kind that would be a housekeeper's nightmare. And I could only punch myself for letting all that mess build up. Call me irresponsible.

I took on the literal meaning of brainwash—that is, washing your brain. I mean, the world is so polluted with people whose minds are so malicious that they think the rest of the world shares their opinions, so they’re pretty loud about it. And they’re so convinced that they’re always right. And they feel they have the right to think whatever they want, however they want to about other people. It’s not fair, let alone right. This is where the LENS principle comes in—“Who you are determines how you see others.” In the spirit of fairness, shouldn’t we give others the benefit of the doubt and trust their word? And should circumstances lead us to believe otherwise, we don’t just draw up our own conclusions. We ask the person, without any hint of judgment, and confirm the truth. Supposedly.

But in reality, we always want to have the last say about other people. We always want to think we’re right.

Well, actually, I really don’t. I mean, I don’t make judgments about other people and claim that I’m right until I have compelling, substantial evidence to believe and say so. But I don’t want to be seen as biased or self-righteous. I use “we” because it keeps my mind in perspective as I write. Because I also do have opinions about other people. And I do know certain things about people that they may not be aware that I know (because I’m a psych major. Harhar.). Nevertheless, I think we all need to brainwash ourselves. I don’t need to say how. Christians who are intentional are supposed to know that. Unless, of course, their brains are so clogged up with worldliness that they no longer know what they’re supposed to be doing.

Pathetic. Truth isn’t supposed to be so ugly.

I think I have this "moat" thing going on. It could represent two things.

For one, it could be filled with...who knows what? I'm not sure. Perhaps all the things I want to put out of my life—negative thoughts toward other people, negative thoughts about myself, negative feelings, hurts, pains, memories, etc. Yuck. I know.

On the other hand, it could also represent my friends. More favorable. Haha. Because aren’t moats supposed to be a line of defense? I always like to think I’m strong or assertive, but I know I’m the kind of person who would never do well in debates. I think of a comeback long after an intense confrontation has taken place. I choke up because my emotions always get the best of me. It takes a long time for me to think about how to defend myself. I ain’t witty. And what do I need to defend myself from? Fake people? Friends who backbite? Two-faced friends? I don’t think I need to expound on that.

There’s also this “mote” thing going on. It’s not by me, I’d like to think. It just seems noticeable that people have taken on the habit of checking out other people’s faces for spots. It’s irritating. I mean, who likes people going around going like, “Hey, look! You have something in your face,” when in truth, they’re the ones having “something” in their faces? C’mon. We can do better than that. We’re supposed to be better than that. We don’t sit around ranting about how such-and-such is terrible at taking initiative and so-and-so is horrible at dressing up. We don’t go around waving our pointing finger furiously in somebody’s face and screaming, “This is all YOUR fault!” or “Look what YOU did! I’D never be THAT stupid!” or “I KNOW that YOU’RE doing something wrong! YOU should get punished for it!” and a lot of other accusing stuff. It’s just plain wrong. Some people always look for someone outside of themselves to blame or just point a finger at so they get unwanted attention off themselves. It’s just funny how the same kind of people hoard credit for themselves when something turns out pretty amazing. Obviously, they’re in it if the feedback is favorable, when all the while, they really didn’t do much.

Ugh. It’s sickening.

Again, I’m not trying to lift myself up. Heck, no. That’s not what I’m out to do. That’s not me. I’m writing this mainly because, like I said, my brain is close to overloading, and I need my thoughts in writing. I’m publishing this because I know sooner or later, those who’ve read this will come to a point in their life when they’ll get what I’m talking about, and will be glad to know there’s someone who understands, been there, done that.

Someone who checks herself in the mirror to see if there’s muta in her eyes so she’d have the right and the credibility of wiping her friends’ mutas off theirs.

Haay.

An Attempt at Encapsulating a Heartbreak in a Poem (#1)

Once Upon a Summer

Feb. 13, 2010

I stand with my toes digging in the sand.

I wipe a tear away with the back of my hand.

I look into the stretch of blue sparkling in the sun,

Wondering where it ends, and where it had begun.

The summer wind blew in my face,

Drying the tears about to surface.

These tears weren’t supposed to fall, I sigh.

But it was just too much for me to take, those lies.

He said he was sorry, so how could I resist?

I loved him too much to insist

How angry and sad and lonely I felt

And how I missed the way he made my heart melt.

He said he understood,

But I never thought he would.

I’d been right all along,

Dancing to his stupid song.

He said that he loved me, so how did it happen

That he fell for another all of a sudden

When he promised we’d try to straighten things out

And rekindle the love—leave no room for doubt?

I gaze down the shoreline and see children at play.

How I wish I were like them, so innocent and gay!

They could never know the mysteries of love

Until it was time for their own puzzles to be solved.

Was I not smart or pretty enough

For him to have left me all in a huff

To chase after the girl he claims to be of his dreams—

The girl I was not and never could be, so it seems?

Well, I always thought I’d enjoy summer at the beach

All alone, or with someone just within reach

But I look around me still feeling the gloom

Of a heartbreak in summer, ready to bloom.

Pagpapaalam sa Taong 2009 (Tagalog)

Bago man lang magtapos ang taon, nais kong magbahagi ng kaunting kaalaman na aking napagtanto.

Lahat ng tao may utak,
Pero hindi lahat ginagamit ang utak nila.
Lahat ng tao may puso,
Pero hindi rin lahat marunong gumamit ng pusong 'yon.
Lahat ng tao may paninindigan,
Kaya mahirap sa karamihan ang magpakumbaba.
Lahat ng tao may mata,
Pero may mga hindi makakita, at may mga ayaw lang talagang tumingin.
Lahat ng tao may prinsipyo,
Pero hindi lahat ng pinanghahawakan ay hango sa katotohanan.
Lahat ng tao may tapang,
At hindi ito nasuskat sa laki ng katawan o sa lakas ng boses.

Lahat ng tao may paa,
At pwede 'tong gamitin para pumunta o lumayo sa masama o mabuti.
Lahat ng tao may kamay, (maliban kung handicapped ka)
Mabigat man, malambot, o manhid na dahil sa kalyo.
Lahat ng tao may alam,
Pero hindi lahat kayang magbahagi ng kaalaman, at hindi lahat ng kaalaman ay dapat pang ibahagi.
Minsan mabuti na ring wala kang alam.
Lahat ng tao may kaibigan,
Pero hindi lahat ng kaibigan mo ay kaibigan ka rin.
Lahat nga tao may kakayahang magmahal,
Pero hindi lahat ng tao madaling mahalin, lalo na kung naiilang silang may nagmamahal sa kanila.
Nag-iinarte pa.
Lahat ng tao may takot,
Ang iba, aminado; ang karamihan, nananakot para hindi sila mahalata.
Lahat ng tao may oras,
Pero hindi lahat ng binibigyang-pansin ay kapakipakinabang.
Lahat ng tao may katinuan,
Pero sa tingin ko marami ang nawawalan na nito.
Lahat ng tao may desisyon,
Hindi lahat ay para sa mabuti, hindi rin naman lahat ay para sa masama.

Lahat ng tao may konsiyensya,
Pero marami ang nawawalan na rin ng kaluluwa--nasa demonyo na.
Ngunit maaaring hindi pa huli para mabawi ito.
Lahat ng tao may tinuturing na pamilya,
At minsan mas "pamilya" pa nga yung hindi kadugo.
Lahat ng tao may pananampalataya,
Kasi lahat may pinaniniwalaan, nakikita man o hindi, o ayaw lang tignan.
Lahat ng tao nakakaramdam ng galit,
ang importante, hindi ka dapat magpadaig dun.
Lahat ng tao may tenga,
Pero hindi lahat handang makinig, lalo na hindi handang umintindi.
Lahat ng tao may pangarap,
Pero hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay magiging masaya ka pag nakuha mo ang gusto mo.
At hindi mo rin kailangan sirain ang pangarap o buhay ng iba para lang makaangat.
Lahat ng tao nalulungkot,
Kaya kung malungkot ka, maghanap ka ng makakaramay, hindi ng idadamay.
At ang bawat kalungkutan ay nagbibigay-daan sa kasiyahan.
Lahat ng tao may dila,
At madalas mas madaling dumaldal kesa makinig.

Lahat ng tao may kakayanan,
Pero hindi lahat handang tumulong sa oras ng pangangailangan.
Lahat ng tao may kalokohan,
At minsan yung pinaka-maloloko pa yung mga tapat naman pala at talagang maaasahan.
Lahat ng tao may kalayaan,
Kaya hindi mo sila pwedeng husgahan ayon sa sarili mong pamumuhay.
Pero ang mali ay mali, ang tama ay tama, at yun lang ang dapat nating pag-usapan.

Marahil walang katapusan sa "lahat" ng ito,
Ngunit ano pa man,
Gusto ko lang isipin niyo na hindi natin maipagpapalit ang pagkatao natin sa kahit ano.
Walang perpekto. Pero lahat tayo kaya nating maging totoo.

Walang akong pinupuntirya o pinatatamaan. Di ko kasalanan kung may ma-guilty o magalit.
Hindi ko naman sinasabing ito ang katotohanan.
Pero para sakin, ito ang realidad na tumambad sakin buong taon.
Ngayon, kung may problema sa akin at sa mga naisulat ko, sabihin nyo sakin nang diretsahan.
Hindi rin ako naghahanap ng away, at hindi ko toh sinulat dahil hindi ako ok o may kaaway ako.
Gusto ko lang malaman niyo kung ano yung tingin ko sa buhay at sa mundo.
Yun lang.
Wag na kayong masyadong ma-chever, dahil nakibasa lang kayo. Hahaha.

World Peace.

On Relationships: Excerpt from THE LOVE DARE

One day, I was walking through the aisles of one of my fave hangout places, Bestsellers, and saw copies of the LOVE DARE, the one that was used in the film FIREPROOF. I pulled out a copy and browsed through it. Day 13 captured my attention.

Love Fights Fair

"...The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or ever done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions.

[...]But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that you're marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your spouse is more important than whatever you're fighting about. Love helps you install air bags and to set up guardrails in your relationship. It reminds you that conflict can actually be turned around for good.

...Disagreeing with dignity--Love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for."

I'm not married, of course, so reading this made me realize that the same goes with friendship. Some friends are just worth fighting for, you know? :)